What an amazing day. Seriously amazing. I took a stab at surfing today for the first time in 4 years. Totally a wonderful experience. Wiped out a few times. The last wipe out I took a face plant into some shallow water and grazed the right side of my face into the sand. For a split second I thought that I had really hurt myself. I remember thinking “man, my first day back surfing and I’ve broken my neck, great.” However I was A-Okay. It shook me up a tad bit but I was okay. I wasn’t able to actually stand up however I was able to ride a few waves while sitting up on my knees on my board. I am lucky because my friend Rich offered to help me through it. He literally stayed by my side as I struggled through the current. He purposely didn’t bring his own board just so he could focus on helping me through and through. I had so much fun. Part of it was the fact that while I was out in the ocean, I didn’t think about anything else but surfing and staying alive. Really, I gave my brain to the ocean for 2 hours straight. It was impossible to think about anything else and that was so comforting. It was like a release from real life. It was almost like everything else didn’t even exist anymore. I just had to focus on the task at hand. It was almost like how I feel when I paint, except much more involved. Much much more involved. The water that was coming out of my nose throughout the day acted as a constent reminder of how wonderful surfing actually was. I’m excited to do it again. 4 years ago, when I first moved to San Diego I took a valiant attempt at surfing. I took a lesson, bought a board and a wetsuit, went almost every day for about a month until I got frusturated. Everyone told me that I was going to get frusturated and that I needed to push through that point, however I gave up. Fast forward 4 years and I’ve grown up so much, and I’ve since learned that achiving greatness does take time, and this time I am willing to put forth the effort. I AM STOKED. I am so elated right now. Seriously. Smiles for miles and miles.
So life is completely happening. It is happening 100% of the time, however I feel that I am only in it 20% of the time. I am aware of how I need to be and what I need to do, I choose not to take that path that leads me to actualization. I feel as if I am on a thin string that is my tight rope. One minute I am balanced, just one minute though, it feels like I can breathe for a moment, then I am drowing again. Mostly drowning. Mostly gasping for that gracious oxygen that fills my lungs for just that.. Single.. moment. I have to just face it. I am not the same person I was last August. I have indeed changed. Changed.. I really liked who I was. I liked being that happy shiny person who only put others infront of herself. I liked it when people would tell me how positive I was. A friend at work tonight jokingly told me that i’m becoming “bitchy”. I don’t think that I have ever once been classified as “bitchy”. It makes me sad. Even though he was joking. Kind of. MEH.
So that unseemly part of myself feels definitely most out of control. Down that rabbit hole I have traveled, so desperately to find the real situation that lives inside of me. I feel like I have been on a roller coaster, only to get off and get right back on again. I choose to get right back on. It’s the thrill, the imagination that goes hand and hand with the excitement. It’s so very exciting for the moment, however every single moment passes in an instant. I want more however I want less all at the same time. I ask myself, “am I loving enough?”. My light that once was always present, has deminished, and I feel like that is a direct result of the experiences that I have been through. The past year has definitely made me bitter. Bitterness is a really terrible quality to possess… But goddamnit! I am bitter. Bitter as fuck. One side of me tells me it is okay to be bitter once in a while, the other just wants to be okay with the fact that I am no longer bright and shiny all the time all day every day. I literally used to be that happy person ALL THE TIME. Really, I’m quiet at work and people are like “What the heck is wrong with you?” and I just want to say that maybe sometimes I can have a bad day. Sometimes I want to be an asshole, however I feel so guilty about it, it makes it harder in the end. I have friends that are just like “fuck what people think” and for some reason I can’t seem to reason with that. I like to be good to people. It feels strange to be mean and in a bad mood. It makes me uncomfortable. I want so badly to give love and to receive it. Let’s not doubt ourselves here, we all enjoy receiving love, it’s just a part of life. It is a big part of our nature. All the things, and so many less of them, take so very much time.
Tonight’s dinner is seriously my new favorite thing. I did up some lovely cauliflower “rice” sauteed with some turkey basil sausage, purple onions, cherry tomatoes, sundried tomatoes, garlic, a couple teaspoons of curry powder and a dash of ground ginger. The meal tastes amazing even when the last bite of sausage is gone. Definitely a keeper.
This week will largly consist of beef, only because I got such an outstanding deal on some pretty decent top sirloin steaks at Fresh and Easy. This time I broiled it with sundried tomatoes and bell peppers, as well as the usual cherry tomatoes, onions and garlic. On the side is sauteed broccoli, sauteed with just onions, garlic and sundried tomatoes. I’m going to have to keep a healty stock of sundried tomatoes around, they are so good and they give meals a touch of yummy sweetness. You can purchase a nice little dry package of them, 100% organic, no nothing added and all that jazz, at Trader Joe’s. YUM.