The Whole Life

Chipping away, day by day

Day 3, 4ish.

Yesterday was indeed a gift. I woke up in the early morning, nestled in our evergreen campsite within the forest of the incredible Carmel landscape. My ankle had in fact, gotten worse, and our original plan to bike the 17 mile trail was out of the question. I don’t know what it was, but I was okay with this. I prayed in the damp shower facilities that morning. Wrapped up in a grey towel, still dripping wet, I prayed, to my God that I’ve chosen to get to know. To the universe. To the energy that surrounds me. To my dad. “God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” With that said along with other random morning rambles, I offered up my willingness to let be what is. I was definitely disappointed that the bike ride wasn’t going to happen, but it was okay. There was nothing that I could do about it. With 2 bags of peas I did all that I could the night before. Curtis and I decided to take a trip to Big Sur. On the way we got breakfast at a quaintish, fancyish little breakfast/coffee/pastry eatery. The food was incredible, the service was terrible, but that didn’t stop me from leaving 20%. The atmosphere was beautiful and calm. The restaurant was hidden along the highway, hugged by giant trees and shrubs. Curtis and I ate and drank coffee as we exchanged stories and talked about our crazy habits.

Big Sur was stunning. Absolutely beautiful. I had never seen such coastlines up close. We drove along the coast for about an hour and went to a little beach where we scattered some more of my fathers ashes. Afterward we headed back to Carmel and stopped at a reserve called Point Lobos. The talk of sea otters intrigued me, however none seemed to be around. We did however see a seal. Around 5:00 we decided to go back to Carmel. There is a golf course located in pebble beach, my dad has talked about this golf course in many of our conversations. I still had over half of his ashes left and I knew the golf course would be his final destination. On our way there Curtis and I structured different plans on how we would go about this mission. I figured it would be smart to just be honest with whoever it was at the entry, maybe I could find some sympathy. Curtis thought we should sneak in. We would figure it out once we got there. It ended up being a much easier task to complete than initially expected. We were let right in, no deception or stories had to be told. We were let right in and almost immediately we found parking and a perfect spot for the rest of his ashes. I scattered the rest of the ashes in between a few trees right by the green. As I scattered the ashes Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” played from my wireless Bose speaker. A family of deer seemed to be watching over us to the left. I attached the tag that held the bag that his ashes were in to one of the tree branches. It would be pretty cool if it stayed there. My hands, covered in ash, I could only laugh at myself because there was so much more ash than I had expected, I had to hastily spread it around the ground so it didn’t look so obvious that memorial shenanigans had taken place. Curtis and I hugged it out for a moment, and then we went on our way.

I can’t believe how much better I feel. I feel like I can actually start MY life. I don’t feel guilt. Worry and sadness have seemed to soften. The lens is focused at me now. It’s time for me to grow and become what I want, who I want, how I want. I’m on the train going back to San Diego right now and I feel fucking excited. I feel so happy and the aftermath of closure is apparent. Thank the fucking universe that I was able to have this experience sober. Thank the universe that I didn’t wake up hung over. Thank the universe that I was able to seize every single moment. I am so lucky and so happy and so grateful. I didn’t think closure was going to be this good and beautiful. Would be this grand. Wrap me up in plastic and call me 100 Grand. I’m so ready. Thank you universe, thank you.

Homeward bound. The journey continues. Closure can be more exciting than one would believe.

Homeward bound. The journey continues. Closure can be more exciting than one would believe.

Carmel tee off number 4. This spot is actually in Big Sur. The beach at the end of Sycamore Canyon. Big Sur was beautiful. Magnificent. Amazing. Just like my dad.

Carmel tee off number 4. This spot is actually in Big Sur. The beach at the end of Sycamore Canyon. Big Sur was beautiful. Magnificent. Amazing. Just like my dad.

The card for the bike ride has been removed from the deck. Still going to have an amazing time. How could you not in a place like #carmel

The card for the bike ride has been removed from the deck. Still going to have an amazing time. How could you not in a place like #carmel

Curtis looking ever so content at the Carmel tee off number 3. We sat and enjoyed our white mocha lattes.

Curtis looking ever so content at the Carmel tee off number 3. We sat and enjoyed our white mocha lattes.

Random little lock here in Carmel. If you notice the date, it’s my birthday…

Random little lock here in Carmel. If you notice the date, it’s my birthday…

Carmel tee off number 2. Beach at the end of ocean avenue.

Carmel tee off number 2. Beach at the end of ocean avenue.

Carmel tee off number 1. Tree at our camp site. Camp site #36. Don’t forget because next year we’re coming back here.

Carmel tee off number 1. Tree at our camp site. Camp site #36. Don’t forget because next year we’re coming back here.

We made it!

We made it!