The Whole Life

Chipping away, day by day

Works in progress.

Just playing around with my camera at my apartment.

My awesome attempt at a one-handed pony tail. The pony tail turned more into a bunny tail, but that’s okay with me, as long as my hair is pulled back! Not being able to tie my hair up has been DRIVING ME UP THE GOD DAMNED WALLS. I’ll never take for granted the importance of the pony tail/bun/whatever holds those locks back.

My awesome attempt at a one-handed pony tail. The pony tail turned more into a bunny tail, but that’s okay with me, as long as my hair is pulled back! Not being able to tie my hair up has been DRIVING ME UP THE GOD DAMNED WALLS. I’ll never take for granted the importance of the pony tail/bun/whatever holds those locks back.

Day 10!! No alcohol!! So so so happy! Notice my left handed scribble. Thanks broken collar bone for making me write like a 4 year old.

Day 10!! No alcohol!! So so so happy! Notice my left handed scribble. Thanks broken collar bone for making me write like a 4 year old.

To poke some fun at myself.

To poke some fun at myself.

So much to do.

I’ve taken a lot of time to think over the past 9 days. Lots of me time. Lots of down time. Last Saturday night I took quite a nasty spill on my bicycle. Was alcohol involved? Anyone who knows me can take a pretty accurate stab at that one. Any who, the aftermath of the crash resulted in a broken collar bone and a gash the size of a golf ball on the right side of my head. That night my friend who appropriately goes by “Ghandi” escorted me home and helped me clean my scalp rash. We didn’t believe that my collar bone had snapped. Owwch, just typing that makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Due to possible shock and adrenaline rush I was able to move my right arm up and down and side to side. Definitely figured I was fine. Sunday morning I wake up to the upmost excruciating pain that I’ve probably ever felt in my entire life. Falling asleep on the couch definitely did not offer me any favors. Ghandi to the rescue, like a goddamned night in shining armor, whisks me off to the local Urgent Care. Alas, my collar bone, tiss broken. Broken just like my bank account. Broke, broken, yep. Fun.

That Sunday afternoon I made a decision. I made a decision to stop drinking. Today is day 9 (10 if you’re one of those who starts the new day at midnight) without any alcohol in my system. This is by far the longest I’ve gone since June of last year when I decided to complete the whole 30 challenge.

When I look back on the past year of my life, EVERYTHING that happened to me, wait, let me rephrase, EVERYTHING that I created in my life that was negative definitely involved me having alcohol in my system. There is not one semi memorable negative situation that I got myself into where I wasn’t drunk. That, I suppose, isn’t really that hard to believe since the major majority of my free time was spent staring at a bottle. I’ve decided, here’s the kicker, that I am a much better person when I’m sober. Logic. It defies.

So it’s been 9 days, I’ve been semi immobile. I can still walk and eat and sit and even take a shit if I wish, however I’ve taken so many things for granted, so many simple things that I love to do which involve the use of both of my arms. I’ve compiled a list of shit I will do much, much more of when I’m all mended together again.

Ride my bike. I already ride my bike quite a bit, but when I’m better, it’s on! Going to go from 60 miles per week to 100. Riding my bicycle is by far the thing I miss the most right now.

Paint. Paint. Art. Crafts. Paint. I’m going to finish the pieces that I’ve started and create more and more. I could try painting with my left hand, this wouldn’t be a bad idea at all, however I will be so happy when I can paint with my right hand again.

Go to the gym. I’ve been paying for a gym membership for the past 7 months now and I’ve only been a hand full of times. This has got to change. Start with 2 times a week. Go up from there.

Beach volley ball. Need I say more? I’ll probably be much better at it too when a hangover isn’t present.

Get familiar with more outdoor activities. I’ve always wanted to go snorkeling, stand up paddle boarding, sailing. All of these things are easily accessible here in San Diego. I need to take advantage of the soil of which my home rests upon.

Take a pottery class. There is a studio 3 blocks away from me that gives wheel lessons. I want to relive my youth and get back into throwing a good one on the wheel and creating something beautiful.

More time with the band. Making music. Getting inspired. That 20 million ain’t gonna earn itself.

I do believe, that sticking to my action plan of fun, will keep the bottle at bay. When on earth am I even going to have time to drink?! I’m excited, I’m ready, I’ve learned my lesson, I’m ready for change.

Success.

How is success measured? If by money than I am very very unsuccessful. Could it not be by money? What you have, could be measured by material or by experience. If success is measured by experience, then with that I must be pretty damned successful. I’ve experienced quite a bit within my 28 years of consciousness. Dull moments have been scarce. Few and far between. It’s exhausting but I am grateful for it. One hill, then a little flat land, a short gasp of relief, the burning pain for an instant graciously subsides deep within my calfs. Behold! Only to be met with another hill, and even larger hill than the first!! “Holy shit” I whisper to myself. The theory I have with hills are that if you’ve climbed up one, a bigger one will be a challenge, but you’ve already got a head start because you’ve already climbed the first one. If we do something once surely we can replete the process, and because we have already successfully executed it once then we already have a mental advantage. What’s a few more inches? A few more feet? A few more miles? I just keep going, up the very hills that I have created for myself. My life is a skate park and I am the designer. My life is an ocean and I am Poseidon. I control the current. I set the scene for my own broadway production. Lights, camera, action! Take number 10,644. Every single day. The table is cleared, just as long as you clear it. Leave the cheese out and it’s going to get stinky and rot. I will not be that stinky piece of cheese! I will not be that stale piece of bread just waiting to be made into a sandwich. You got this B. You always have. Fuck yea.

Race ain’t nothin but a color, color ain’t nothin but a tone. To create life’s most beautiful symphony, calls for all different kinds of tones.

It found me again, just like a lonely violin, weeping it’s way into the ground. That forsaken sound, just beating itself inside my heart. Love for myself grows only within the dark.