It’s so sad realizing that a better majority of your friends are gone. They are no longer your friends. I still struggle with this. Every day I seem to take note of just how many people that I have lost. I didn’t lose these people because of any other reason than my own selfishness and pain. Even people whom I thought were the closest to me are somewhat gone. It sucks. I feel like because I did such a horrible thing, cheating on my boyfriend, the action simply labels me as a bad person. Actions do speak louder than words, am I correct? I’m getting tired of this self loathing. I feel so sad, and then at times I feel happy, It’s making me dizzy with all of these emotions that I am going through. I just want to feel okay for more than a couple of days. I just want to move on, so badly. It hurts. It feels like one of those movies that ends so horribly that you leave the theatre with a twisted stomache. I just want to live for myself without any other intenions and/or interfierment. I just want to be okay again. Please please, just bring me back to happy, bring me back to that place when everything was like a sundazed meddow. Please.
I’m so tired of this inflation and deflation of emotion. I’m just tired. One minute I’m up, the next I’m face forward into a downward spiral. I believe the latter happens the most. I can’t stop the feelings of guilt that occur. I feel so badly about what I did to my ex. I feel like I am the most hated person in Ocean Beach. Public enemy number one. I ran into a mutual friend of ours a few days ago, tried to say hi, and he couldn’t even look at me. It was the first time someone else really took it to that next level. The first time I saw disgust in someone’s face. Someone who used to think I was amazing, just turned their back in hatred and judgement. I feel like if I can get through this, I can get through anything. I’ve been through so much since August. August, the worst month ever. I will forever hate August. It was the month my world crumbled. I can’t take back what I did but if I could I absolutely would.
I’m drinking alcohol a LOT. Pretty much every day. I’m drinking by myself. I’m not coping with reality. It just goes to show you that we Americans are weak. People in other countries deal with much greater situations. People are dying very tragic and unjustified deaths and here I am all doe and teary eyed about a tramatic breakup and an expected death. I often wounder if I have a justified reason to feel the way that I have been. Between what happened with me ex and my father dying, I just don’t know what to do. I hate death. I hate that my father is not here anymore. My father’s ashes are in my house, so technically he is here, but he is not. I hate it. Who gets up in the morning and immediately has a drink? I do. I do. I just want this to be over. I want to feel level again. I miss that feeling so much. I don’t think that I have felt that way for a couple of years now, and now it’s all just crashing down. Meh.
I’m trying really hard not to spend money. I’m going on a camping trip at the end of the month and in order to do so I really need to be cautious about my spending habbits. I never really realized how attached to money I have become for fun, like how much I actually spend on a daily basis just to get through the day. Today I spent a total of $11.00 (approximately), $5.99 plus tax (I still don’t know how much tax actually is, I guess I could google it) on an electronic ciggarette and $5.00 on bunk speakers at the swap meet. It’s crazy, I could have spent so much more, but I didn’t. If I wasn’t being so wary of my spending habbits I could have easily spent $30 - $40 dollars today. Tracy wanted to go eat so I went with her and didn’t order anything. That could have easily been $10.00. At the swap meet there were so many items (stuffs) that I wanted to purchase, but didn’t. I could have easily spent $20 bucks at the swap meet. I love swapping meet. Wow. It’s sad how much I depend on money. It’s only the fifth of October and I already am feeling the withdrawals of spending. I feel like I am addicted to spending money. Yikes.
So I’m finally happy again. I havn’t felt this good in a long time. I’ve broken some old habbits, I just feel good. I’ve been going to the beach every sunny day that we are given and I love it. I wish summer was still here. Summer is beginning to fade away and I feel like my summer just began. I’m becoming closer with my friends and the people around me, I love my job, i’m having fun, I really can’t complain. The only thing that is really bugging me as of now is my back. It STILL hurts, and it’s been almost 4 months. I can’t believe my back is still out of wack. I don’t know if I should go see a chiropractor or do yoga or what. I’ve gotten so many different opinions from so many different people. Accupuncture, yoga, theriputic massage, you name it it has been reccomended to me. I just don’t know which avenue to take. Financially I can only do so much. I’d love to get an x-ray to see whats really going on, it’s just not in my deck of cash at the moment. I just want my back to feel better. I’ve never had issues with injury ever, in my whole 28 years of life, and this issue with my back is really beginning to grind my gears. It’s making work more difficult, just every day tasks more difficult, from putting my shoes on to cleaning the house. My mother had really terrible back problems, to the point where she had to get surgery, i’m almost wondering if it’s genetic. I should google it.
The pain from my dad passing away is slowly diminishing. It actually feels good to know that he is in a good place. I know he has got to be somewhere amazing, maybe he is a new born crying baby, maybe he is the air that I breathe, maybe he is the ground that I walk on. I don’t know much, but what I do know is that death is a big part of life. My dad had an amazing life, he was an amazing man, and as long as I live I will think of him every single day. Death sucks, but at the same time, I feel like it might set you free. I know my dad was set free when he passed away. It’s funny, we say “passed away”, as to put a buffer on the reality, but the reality is that that person is no longer here anymore. I will never see him again. I will never hug his big body again. I am officially making it on my own. 3 years ago I asked myself “how will I ever be able to stand on my own 2 feet?” and i’m doing it now. I’m growing up right before my own eyes. I can’t believe I even questioned my own capabilities.
I’m finally beginning to calm down. Life is starting to slow it’s roll. It’s starting to feel better being alone. I’m working on my thoughts, reflecting on what ideas go through my mind that have a negative impact on my happiness. I know that assuming what people think about me is having a very negative impact on my happiness, so I am trying to teach myself to shut those thoughts out. I just keep repeating to myself “contentment, compassion, loving kindness”. I just want to be good to everyone and look at every single person as a human being. I’m working on not passing judgment, both on others and myself. Just taking it day by day. I’m beginning to settle into my skin and relize that the finishline is never there, just the race itself.
I’m no longer planted on the couch anymore. I have this desire to just be outside all of the time. I’m riding my bike a lot, and it’s becoming one of my favorite activities to do. The past 2 weeks i’ve done my best to spend as much of my time outside and with friends, and it’s really making me happy. I’m beginning to see the joy and beauty of life, and it feels so good.
Umm, Maxfield Parrish.. Kind of a total hottie. Wow.