I DONT EVEN FEEL LIKE RIDING MY BICYCLE. MEH.
I’m not feeling very lively today. I skipped one of my most favoritest meetings today. Seemed to put every obstacle in front of myself just to not go. The weather, the giant hill, starvation, all those excuses. I have an appointment to get my hair cut at 2:00 and I don’t want to go. I just don’t want to do anything. I’m sad. I was in something which I thought to be wonderful and now that’s been placed on the shelf marked with an undetermined return date. I’ve picked up a new edition of myself and can’t seem to get through the first chapter without kicking and silently screaming. I just feel uncomfortable. As I preach to others, being uncomfortable causes growth, I feel as if my soil needs water, and we are, in fact, in the middle of a drought. So many things I don’t want to do today, when I try to think of the things that I do want to do, the list, so puny. Meh.
Alas, another weekend is gracefully passing by without the snarling presence of a hangover. I’m awake early, tapping into my new favorite morning ritual, the enjoyment of a large iced toddy and an acai bowl at The Lazy Hummingbird. After this I’m headed for a short bike ride to the cliffs then a meeting. My rides to the cliffs used to be filled with sadness. There were times when I was drunk on rides and I’d imagine being hit by a car or riding right over the edge. Now my rides are happy. I’m so grateful to be where I am. I am so grateful to have the friends that I have and I am so grateful for this life that I am living. Work is going particularly well. One of my coworkers recently quit so my schedule has changed. I’m now bar tending 3 nights per week, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Still working Wednesday day and Saturday day. I’ll be off Thursday’s and Fridays. This schedule is going to work well. When I was serving full time I only worked nights, and I enjoyed it because I had the whole day to do whatever I wanted to do. Since I began working only days I’ve found myself only taking care of the things that I wanted to take care of on my days off, because by the time I get off of work in the evening I’m exhausted. Now I can use more of the daylight to go on rides, go to the beach, take care of house stuff. I’m stoked about it. I hate using time out of my day off to clean and do laundry.
Some things I’d like to write down that I may or may not have made up:
When you say something unbelievable and someone else’s reaction is all like “no fucking way”, you say “call me a tiger because I sure ain’t a lion”.
When you have to leave somewhere with the quickness you say “gotta make like a Dorito and dip”.
I really am loving how I am feeling lately. I love how I feel physically and how I feel emotionally. I have suppressed such dark feelings for so long, mostly about my father, and now that I’m clear headed enough to realize them and acknowledge them, it’s not so scary as I had anticipated. Sadness, it’s there. Guilt, I am finding, is much easier to release when you’re sober. How very wrong I’ve been in believing that alcohol was my answer to my worries. I am slowly finding more and more of myself and I fucking love it. Tomorrow will be 30 days for me without the bottle. I’ll be proud to claim that 30 day chip. I don’t think I could have broken this habit without AA. Really. It’s been a gift. It gave me myself back. For the first time in a very long time I am genuinely excited for life. I feel happy, healthy, and am ready to scale mountains. Before scaling any mountains though, I think I’ll try a little bit of yoga. Maybe I’ll go read in a park, or bike around the bay, or even go sky diving. HA! Yea right, I am in no way ever jumping out of a perfectly decent running airplane.
I went to Los Angeles over the weekend to visit some of my bestest homies, Stephanie and Curtis. Enjoying a weekend with them void of any alcoholic cocktails was easy. Easy and super fun. Last night we went to Hollywood to see a live reenactment of Point Break. I’m pretty sure this production was one of the greatest theatrical masterpieces that I have truly ever experienced. The really cool part about this play is they choose a person from the audience to play Johnny Utah. When the curtains open, a woman asks the audience for volunteers to get on stage and “audition” for the part. Of course, I didn’t hesitate to scamper my tail onto the stage to claim the role. It was between myself and another bashful young gentleman. Our skills were put through the test. We were asked to give our best Johnny Utah lines and our flexibility was judged by how well we could bend over and touch our toes. Agility was tested through our demonstration of jumping jacks. I don’t typically care to wear a bra so this for me was quite awkward. Funny and awkward. In the end my epic demonstration of braless jumping jacks and my Johnny Utah sonnet did not prevail. I did not get chosen, I did not catch my first tube that day. Hollywood, you have no idea what you are missing. Regardless, it was an amazing experience, and the play was awesome on so many different levels. And, it was all fun to be had without alcohol. I can still have shenanigans without a drink in my hand.