And to the nice young gentleman who hooked up a large acai bowl for the price of a small one, the gesture is greatly appreciated however there is a reason why I order the small, I’m not going to finish the larger bowl, that’s just entirely too much sugar.
43 days today, freedom from that bottle of a cell. I am so happy that I have made it this far. I feel like a new person. This must be how a snake feels every time they shed their skin. The roller coaster is still accepting passengers, and I still hold the ticket for admission. I sit here, living life on life’s terms, slowly climbing up, then a fast plummet down, loop de loop, upside down, inverted, back to a slow climb. Look, butterflies! Getting 3 hours of work done on my back piece today. I’m uneasily excited to say that this will be an experience free of any pain killers, which I usually will stock up on when getting work done. I am not too excited to feel the pain, it will be painful. Anyone who says that getting tattooed isn’t painful is full of SHIT. Either they are full of shit or they must be a snake.
Clarity becomes more and more apparent through every day that sobriety lives. AA is going well. I am still resisting the whole “I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable” idea. That idea is exactly what is entailed in the first step of the twelve steps. I haven’t begun working on my steps because I am still grappling with this. I have been advised over and over again, by various people, the religious and the agnostic, that I need to get right down on my knees and pray in the morning. This is something that I have been avoiding. Last night in a meeting I was told to just do it even if I don’t believe in it. The one misconception of AA that most people have, myself included, is that you have to believe in that typical entity that is “God”. That biblical being, long beard wearing, great man in the sky, “God”. It’s been made very clear to me that “God” can be whatever I choose it to be. It can be the universe, it can be the energy and atoms that make up every single thing, it can be the ground, it can be the sky, it can literally be anything that I want it to be. I still can’t help but feel like I am reciting church hymns when we recite prayers in meetings. I need to let go of the churchy muck that I’ve been surrounded with my whole life. God is not that to me. There is definitely something greater out there. I know this. This is obvious. Society once again has instilled a program in me that I wish to break. This morning I did, in fact, get down on my knees, and I prayed. I asked the universe to please let me accept the things that I cannot change and to give me the courage to change the things that I can, and to give me the wisdom to know the difference. If even an agnostic being can tell me this works, then who am I to discriminate. I’m giving in. The program has kept me sober for 41 days, something has to be working, right?
The most painful part is to feel that you are not missed by the ones whom you miss the most.
I DONT EVEN FEEL LIKE RIDING MY BICYCLE. MEH.
I’m not feeling very lively today. I skipped one of my most favoritest meetings today. Seemed to put every obstacle in front of myself just to not go. The weather, the giant hill, starvation, all those excuses. I have an appointment to get my hair cut at 2:00 and I don’t want to go. I just don’t want to do anything. I’m sad. I was in something which I thought to be wonderful and now that’s been placed on the shelf marked with an undetermined return date. I’ve picked up a new edition of myself and can’t seem to get through the first chapter without kicking and silently screaming. I just feel uncomfortable. As I preach to others, being uncomfortable causes growth, I feel as if my soil needs water, and we are, in fact, in the middle of a drought. So many things I don’t want to do today, when I try to think of the things that I do want to do, the list, so puny. Meh.
Alas, another weekend is gracefully passing by without the snarling presence of a hangover. I’m awake early, tapping into my new favorite morning ritual, the enjoyment of a large iced toddy and an acai bowl at The Lazy Hummingbird. After this I’m headed for a short bike ride to the cliffs then a meeting. My rides to the cliffs used to be filled with sadness. There were times when I was drunk on rides and I’d imagine being hit by a car or riding right over the edge. Now my rides are happy. I’m so grateful to be where I am. I am so grateful to have the friends that I have and I am so grateful for this life that I am living. Work is going particularly well. One of my coworkers recently quit so my schedule has changed. I’m now bar tending 3 nights per week, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Still working Wednesday day and Saturday day. I’ll be off Thursday’s and Fridays. This schedule is going to work well. When I was serving full time I only worked nights, and I enjoyed it because I had the whole day to do whatever I wanted to do. Since I began working only days I’ve found myself only taking care of the things that I wanted to take care of on my days off, because by the time I get off of work in the evening I’m exhausted. Now I can use more of the daylight to go on rides, go to the beach, take care of house stuff. I’m stoked about it. I hate using time out of my day off to clean and do laundry.
Some things I’d like to write down that I may or may not have made up:
When you say something unbelievable and someone else’s reaction is all like “no fucking way”, you say “call me a tiger because I sure ain’t a lion”.
When you have to leave somewhere with the quickness you say “gotta make like a Dorito and dip”.